It Makes Me Complete



One of the common questions we have to answer (other than how far is “that” marathon) is why do you run? Why run today? Why run in this heat? Why run in this weather?

Because…because…

I don’t know. It makes me complete.

Today I ran late. Late enough for everyone to say “skip it, run tomorrow”

I can run tomorrow, I will run tomorrow but I am running today. Because my mind needs it, because my body wants it. Today, “I’m running for answers, I’m running for more”.

Running makes me complete. It started by accident like all wonderful things happen. It became one with me due to perseverance and consistency like all good relationships.

I didn’t give up on it, I seldom do on anything and although we have had some rough patches, my desire to stay with it has prevailed. I wish I could say the same about other relationships in my life.

And Running is a relationship. One I must nurture, one I must be patient with, one I adore.

Relationships are not easy, not simple. They are rewarding but they take effort. This one does. Actually, every relationship that is worth keeping is a lot of work, some more than others but how often do we feel this way about one, how often do we feel so strongly about something, someone. Isn’t it worth it? One good thing about it - many good things about running - is that I don’t have to be good at it, I don’t have to be the best. I don’t hear how everybody else is better. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am there, one with, and it is good.

And it makes me complete.

How often we feel that way?

There are relationships that do that for us. Do it for me. It feels complete with them. It doesn’t matter what it is or why it is, it simply is.

When one of those come our way, we would be fools to let it escape without putting up a good fight for it.

I am doing it for running and…for a couple of others that offer the same;

They make me complete.

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus...

And yes, Darling. There is a reason to wake up every morning even on those days when your body aches and the sky turns grey and even then you will be true to yourself.

And yes, Darling. There is good in people. There is good in almost everyone if you allow your eyes to see it.

Yes, Darling, There are friends you can trust but you must be trustworthy before you can enjoy it in others. You must be free of betrayal hence worth of trust.

You can only be deserving of the same that you put out and find in others what you are willing to give to them.

And you will be fair so fairness can come your way. And compassion will defeat coldness if you show the way.

And yes, Darling. There is kindness in the world. There are people who will step out of their own way to direct you and assist you. There are people who will rise above their own issues to be with you when you need them.

And you will too. You will be with them when they need you because happiness is never more real than when we make it possible in others.

And yes, Darling. There is romance and there is true love. And you might hurt from love but you should never hurt with it.

And yes, Darling. I love you more than anything even when my patience fails. In every breath I take, in every day that I wake up, I love you, every day.

A Reason To Exist

I looked forward to eating the Gyro my cousin was getting me. I sat at the table and unwrapped it. Next to me, my daughter sat quietly staring at her chicken dinner. She looked less than excited.

“Would you want to taste my Gyro?” I offered.

“Uhum”

I handed it over to her and she quickly took two bites then gave it back to me. She stared at her chicken again.

“Here, have this” I said extending the sandwich to her again. “I love chicken anyway”.

We traded and she smiled broadly.

True, I like chicken but I love Gyros, a meal I don’t get to enjoy in the area where I live but watching my kid enjoy it was a more satisfying treat than any meal could be.

I write this in the car as I wait for my son to finish loading his belongings in the car. Next, I’ll drive 5 hours to bring us home. Easily, he could use other means of transportation which he has done in the past. However, today I look forward to the conversations we’ll have, to holding his hand while I drive and to watching him doze off after a couple of hours.

I smile as I remember the Gyro I didn’t eat and I am happy to have my boy next to me. It will be a long drive home, but it will be so worth it.

These are, they are the best reason to exist.

The Voices In My Head

I love y

I love yo

I lov

I have written these words today many times; I have erased these words today many times.

There are voices in my head that I find myself listening to; better yet I have learned to listen to them. They are the voices of my subconscious, my deep existence speaking in the early hours of dawn or they are the voices of a higher spirit that guides me, that wants to guide me.

“I miss saying I love you” the voice said.

I listened. I said it.

It doesn’t matter if those words fall on deaf ears. What matters is what is felt when they are said.

I love you.

I miss saying I love you.

The words in my head, it feels good to listen to them.

Poor Indicator

Jealousy is not a barometer of love, at least not every kind of jealousy.

There is an inevitable jealousy that lingers after we lose someone we have loved. That feeling in the deepest part of our existence that hurts when we see them with somebody else wishing that somehow they could still be with us. It’s love refusing to accept. There is sadness, there is jealousy. Common feelings to the end of an intense relationship.

There is another kind of jealousy that borders on unhealthiness. It is fueled by hard feelings. This jealousy doesn’t seek reconciliation, it is not the fear of losing to someone else, rather they don’t want you but they don’t want you with anybody else either.

This is a jealousy that watches your every move but never puts the information gathered to good use; we’ll never hear “congratulations” or “my deepest condolences” or…”I’m here if you need me”. We know they are there, just not for us. It is a jealousy that hurts.

Basic and simple principle, do no harm.

Not having or wanting someone in our lives should not stop us from extending a hand in need, or empathizing. The true meaning of love is to always wish the one we love(d) well, to rejoice in their triumphs, to mourn their losses.

Jealousy experienced after a break up is normal. It’s the response to the ache that acknowledges how much we loved, how much it hurts to lose them. It is the breaking of the heart accepting the end. It should not hurt or harm anyone. It should not stop us from being present, from reaching out to the person we loved when in need.

A jealousy that hurts and that harms is not an indicator of love.

It binds us to pain. It doesn’t set us free.

Absence in Tradition

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

What about permanent absence?

Absence is easier to digest when the absentee has not been a permanent feature in our days. The grieving of someone who has been in our lives every day and with whom we have grown accustomed to call on every important or unimportant moment of our lives is much harder to get through. Doable but difficult.

When someone has not been in our lives everyday, the mind plays games thinking them far but safe; it is easier to make believe they are around until something triggers their absence.

That trigger is…today.

There is a Novena, a catholic devotion that asks for graces consisting of prayer for 9 days in anticipation of the symbolic birth of Jesus (even if he was not born on December 25, that’s when we celebrate it) that I have done every year of my life - I assume, even 7 months old, I was in the living room with my family during the Novena.

The Novena traditionally starts today, December 16, 9 days before Christmas. All of us, my maternal family, will start it today, but there will be one person missing.

My aunt probably did the Novena every day of her long life too and during the last 8 years when prayer has been more needed than ever in my life, she devoted the Novena to me, or at least, I was one of the prime requested graces. Yesterday, as she expired, I asked her to pray for us as she travels closer to God.

I know she will.

Tonight I will sit in front of the Nativity and will carry on the tradition of all my years, a tradition of faith I hope to pass on to my kids.

There might seem to be one person missing tonight but there isn’t, it is just my mind playing games. She is still there, praying the Novena with us, like she has done every December of her life and my life.

The tradition continues.

On The 4th Floor

It's 6:30 a.m. on the 4th floor of an apartment building and I am getting ready for my run. It has been a night of intermittent sleep. It seems that we have been awake longer than the overnight nurse was watching over my aunt in her final hours.

I am running past the apartment building on Austin Street where the notorious crime of Kitty Genovese was committed 40 years ago when 38 people witnessed her brutal death and no one helped her. A case of incomprehensible lack of compassion.

I wonder if it would be different now, today. If we have morphed into higher beings or if we remain slaved to ourselves covering our butts, looking out for #1.

I am running these streets now. They appear busier than usual. People hurrying to their jobs, parents holding their kids hand walking to school. No one is aware that a few miles away a life is ceasing.

Many hands have extended in sympathy since yesterday. I appreciate it, we all appreciate it. I find that the silver lining of tragedy is that we raise above our own pettiness. It is our way of evolving from the archetype of being consumed by ourselves.

I turn around to backtrack my run. It has been on hour since I left. I find a church and say a quick prayer for the ending of her suffering.

I walk back to the house. On the 4th floor of an apartment building she waits.

We wait.